Wednesday, February 2, 2011

THE DEMON IS BACK!!! - 02/02/11

The demon is back!!!

He has visited, stirred my heart with a cold breath and I am writing again. 

Today is my birthday, don’t worry about how old. Things started well; I woke up and everything worked (meaning arms, legs, organs), I got dressed and drove to work. While on the way my automobile did not stop or breakdown, I was not in a wreck and no police officers stopped me for anything (not that I was doing anything wrong). I got to work and led a weekly meeting that I host; everyone seemed to have their work in order and ready for their presentations. I approved everyone’s work and we all left happy (at least I was, I did not take a survey of the others). I got back to my office and did some work and responded to a ton of Facebook “Happy Birthday” wishes. My people had a lunch for me; salad, chicken, rice, guacamole and spinach dip with chips, some cake and my favorite, “Diet Pepsi.” Things were good; I’ll be going out this evening for a little birthday dinner and then home to tweet, twit, write and Facebook some of my friends.

Things were good.  Then my cell phone rang with my parents’ number displayed.

My mother started talking, wishing me “Happy Birthday”, and remembering when the day came and what she was doing hours before I was born; the best I can remember she does this every year. When I was younger I did not listen to her as close as I should have, but as I got into my 20s I realized that this was important to her and each year it took on more significance as the lady who birthed me, and helped raise me talked about her special day.   

She talked with me a minute this after, I was at work and neither parent wants to stay on the phone long. Then she said, “Here’s Daddy.” He came on the phone and started singing “Happy “Birthday.”  His voice was a little gravely and I immediately broke into tears. He didn’t know (I don’t think) and I jumped up and slammed my office door. I have an open door policy so I’m not sure if anyone noticed. He finished the song and told me he loved me, but that he didn’t want to stay on the phone and interrupt my work.

Will my stranger never leave me alone? Will I always be tormented by this demon, even before mine or my Dad’s death?  My eyes are pools of tears now. They are not running down my face but they are ready to overflow my lower lids, my throat and chin are quivering.

What HELL have I been cast into with the diagnosis of Cancer and prognosis of Death?

Will it remain this way for the rest of my life to always feel this way when Dad is in my thoughts?

Will I have a double-dose of HELL when my mother passes away?

** I have a couple updates that precede this post, I will write them up and try to post one or more this evening after a birthday party, but I just had to write this now.


Beckye said...

Dear Andy,

While it certainly does feel like Hell while you or your loved one are going through treatment, my experience was that it won't always feel this way. I helped care for my dad as he was having medical problems which finally led to his death, but I look back grateful for the time I had to spend with him. Those are precious times in my memory, and I hope your time and memories with your dad and mom will be also.

A friend in the medical community says there will never be a cure for cancer since the treatment is such a money-maker. As a cancer survivor, I do believe there will be a cure. Some are cured with treatment, but there is not a cure for cancer yet per se. There are some in the research area that really are trying, and I believe they'll get there. When is the issue.

I understand and feel your frustration with cancer, though. It seems so unfair, and it seems wrong that the world continues to go on for everyone around us when our world seems to be crashing around our ears and has stopped short. It seems like there ought to be something we could do to fix it. Our society has gotten used to quick fixes and this is anything but.

It does get better, and you will feel like life returns to normal later. Hang in there. This ain't easy.

Be patient with yourself. Take good care of yourself; it will help you be able to better care for your parents. Take every opportunity to be there and help them in any way you can. You'll be glad later. :)

It's also normal for a son to feel the way you do when his dad is elderly and weakened. Hello, mortality. Never easy.

Also, people actually live longer and do better when they have hospice. Too often people wait until the very end to call hospice (we did with my dad), when they would actually have a better quality of life if we called them earlier.

I would highly recommend a book called, Dying to Know: Straight Talk About Death & Dying by Tani Bahti. Excellent, short, easy to read, and very comforting. Everyone needs to read this for themselves but especially before / as they care for their elderly parents. Heard the author at a conference and the book comforted me even years after my dad's death finding out more information. Then you'd truly be able to recognize when the end is getting near because you would recognize the signs. Brings peace.

Praying for you and for your family. 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him (God) because he cares for you."

Andy Bryant said...

Wow Beckye, such encouraging words of hope and realization. I will look for the book, I really appreciate you taking the time to share your past and thoughts with me. :-)